BREAKING: Trump Solves Drug War By Discovering the “Kill” Button No President Ever Noticed
WASHINGTON D.C. – In a revelation set to rewrite every political science textbook, former President Donald Trump has announced he has located the long-rumored “Kill Them All” button in the Oval Office, a feature apparently overlooked by his 44 predecessors.
The breakthrough occurred at a rally when Trump, frustrated by what he called “big, complicated words with too many syllables,” decided to cut through the red tape.
“The deep state, they hide the simple solutions from you,” Trump revealed to a captivated audience. “They have all these maps, these ‘extradition treaties,’ these ‘sovereign nations.’ It’s a smokescreen. The answer is so beautiful and so simple: We’re going to kill them. Why has nobody thought of this before?”
The “Call of Duty” Doctrine
The new foreign policy, officially dubbed the “Grand Theft Auto Doctrine,” is praised for its elegant simplicity. Instead of relying on outdated concepts like “international law,” “diplomacy,” or “not starting a war with our neighbors,” the doctrine operates on a single, repeatable loop:
- Identify “Them.”
- Press the “Kill” button.
“We’ve been overthinking this for 50 years,” explained a senior advisor, who asked to remain anonymous because he was currently hiding under his desk. “All that time wasted on ‘eradicating poverty’ and ‘strengthening border security.’ It turns out the real solution was just more bullets. Who knew?”
The policy has received glowing endorsements. A focus group of action movie heroes gave it a 10/10, with John Rambo stating, “Finally, a candidate who gets it.”
Global Confusion Reaches Comic Proportions
The international community is in chaos, primarily from laughter and sheer disbelief.
A statement from the Mexican Foreign Ministry was just a link to the Wikipedia page for the “Montezuma’s Revenge” speech from the movie Blazing Saddles.
At the United Nations, emergency sessions devolved into delegates arguing over whether the new global framework meant they could also use the “kill them” policy on their own problems. The French delegate was overheard asking, “Can we ‘kill them’ the people who talk in the cinema? Non? What about the British and their warm beer?”
Back at the Pentagon, a four-star general was seen frantically scrolling through the app store. “He says there’s a button! I’m looking for the ‘Kill Them’ app. Is it a subscription service? Do we get a free trial?”
When asked for a final comment, Trump simply added, “It’s going to be the most beautiful killing anyone has ever seen. Believe me.”
// URGENT SATIRE ALERT //
This article is 100% fictional and intended for comedic purposes only. It is about as real as a functioning government. Please do not attempt to use the “Kill” button on your own keyboard; it just makes the ‘K’ key stick.
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